Ok, so I can't blame it all on hormones. But they have to take the blame for at least some of the craziness of the last many months. I know the majority of these posts have been funny or cute - probably the reason so many of you have come to be readers. I know, you think my son is the cutest, most perfect baby ever, too, and thats the reason you come by, isn't it? ;-) But I thought I'd go a little more serious today.
I've talked to a lot of moms lately and found that many of us have had and/or are currently going through similar experiences - approaching a big event in life only to find out its nothing as expected and ten million times harder to handle than ever imaginable. Getting a new job... becoming a stay at home mom... sending the first or last child off to kindergarten... For me it was having a baby and all the unexpected changes that it brought.
Lately I've done a lot of praying and soul searching as I attempt to adjust to my new reality... I'm far from being all that enlightened, and still have a ton of adjusting to do, but I came to understand something new about myself yesterday. And I think coming to terms with it will help at least the emotional (& hormonal) side to get easier. What have I come to realize? I find my worth through what I do, seeing results and the impact it has on others.
I now stay home most the day with a baby and housework, while working just part time. There are times that I hate it. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Nathan and taking care of him. But I feel worthless. Nothing I do gets done. I know most of you can probably relate. But I've never spent a whole lot of time at home and so now that I do and am constantly facing the fact that nothing really ever gets done, it's driving me bananas.
I have 20 minute spurts of time to get something done when I'm home and Nathan is content. And what I do, never ends. Laundry, diapers, dishes, cleaning, pumping, feeding, etc. Its never done. I see no results. And Nathan can't communicate back with me. So I don't hear what an impact I'm having on him - and he's the only person in my world 75% of the time. Then there's work... I feel like I'm going 10 mph when everyone else is going 55 mph. So I don't feel successful. I have to retrain my thinking to be that of a part timer... but its hard after having worked full time, especially since I still desire to be there more than I can. I'm slowly catching on to things in this new normal. But its been so much harder than I ever imagined. And I think alot of it is due to God forcing me to rethink where I find my value.
I read a blogger today that I have recently discovered. And her entry today hit home for me. Check her out - Laurel Wreaths Reflections. She talks about fall being a time to celebrate the harvest - the end of the growing season. Growing often hurts when God is the one growing us. He has to remove all the chaff - the unnecessary & unwanted "stuff" in our lives. And when He is done growing us, when the chaff is removed, its time for the harvest celebration - a feast and to celebrate what He has done and that we are closer to Him.
The last few months, and especially last few weeks, have definitely been a growing season for me! God is teaching me not to find my worth in what I do and who I help, but in Him and in Him alone. I now realize that. But I'm still rediscovering what that means in my life. I'm still in the growing season, not ready for a harvest yet. But I know that God never ceases to come through, to help me through hard times and bless me beyond measure. I can't wait to see what He does this time and what my new normal will be like as a mom, part time children's ministry and woman who soley relies on Him for her worth.
I got pretty personal, but I know someone is probably going through something similiar, too. And I want to encourage you to share what God is teaching you today or this week. With the harvest season right around the corner, how is it that He's growing you? Share with me in a comment. It'll encourage me too :)
By the way - Nathan is well, his cold is gone. And so is Jacob's. We're headed to VA this weekend to visit some of my family and friend - and I'm really looking forward to it :) I'll post pics and stories from our weekend on Monday. Have a great & growth-filled weekend ;-)
6 comments:
I have been a stay at home mom for 7 years now.It is hard to adjust too.And when some people hear that you stay at home.They think oh she sit's around all day..lol.Which is not the case at all.I think God has (well still is) teaching me that I can serve him well by being at home with the kids.Being their when they need me.And also I can help at church more because my schedule is flexible.It really is a hard adjustment when you are so used to going 100 mph.But the Lord will not give you anything you can't handle.Have a great weekend.
Hey Kim I know exactly how you are feeling. I stayed at home for 6 years after Karson was born and have been working part time at the ELC for the past 3 years. It is an ajustment. One thing you learn over time is that it will never all get done and you have to learn that is okay!! Easier said than done I know. There are days when no laundry gets done, and the dishes don't get washed, but I have spent quality time with all 3 of my children and that is how I count success as a mother. The laundry and dishes will be there another day but your kids are growing more each day. This has by far been the hardest thing for me as a mother to accept, but has made my life much calmer. I hope this helps a little:)
Welcome to the best job in the world ... being a mom! All of the sacrifices, all of the frustrations, all of the sleepless nights and crazy days are so worth it because you are giving Nathanael a loving and safe environment to grow. He will be out of your arms and on his own faster than you can even imagine, so take the time to cuddle, to feed, to bathe, to love on him whenever the opportunity arises. Everything else can wait. Your perfect baby boy is so blessed to have you as his mommy.
Kim! So good to hear from you! Yeah, I kind of started this blog because I needed something productive to do. Be sure to tell all your friends about it! ;0D You've done a lot of writing on yours; I'll never catch up! Looks like your family is doing well though, and that's cool. Loved the yearbook yourself thing. Talk to you later friend!
I think we all feel like that. I know I do! And on top of it, I'm a perfectionist so I like things to be done right (and of course only I can do that!). And with kids....you're lucky to have it done at all. So I guess I'm still in the process of learning how to be satisfied with 'less than perfect'.
And now you understand that the rest of us moms that seem a little kooky....we did have brains at one time. They just disappeared when our kids arrived. ;)
Oh, and how did you get the sides of your blog done?? That's how I want mine - so that the sides don't scroll with the body. Let me know when you get back!! :)
Thank you so much for your sweet words. I am thankful the post touched you, for it was God speaking to me also!
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